It’s been some time since I released any music into the abyss. I started writing Barely Losing in 2020, it was a difficult time with the pandemic in its infancy and life for me, well, it had been unravelling for a while.
Despite the “common” outside appearance of stability ... I was far from stable – I was battling a silent drug and alcohol addiction, and I was sick. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find my voice or let go of my ego to ask for any help.
Like many musicians, expressing vulnerability has always been easier through music. I often had people say “Why don’t you write a happy song” … I always laughed it off and deflected the conversation elsewhere, I guess my only avenue for expressing how tormented my heart and soul was with loss, sadness, guilt, shame, and resentment … was through my music. I was a closed book to those who were closest to me, and for that, I am sorry.
In my lowest ebb, the suffering I had self-created was almost impossible to process and the words “Barely Losing”, befitted my complete state of defeat.
A long and gradual rebuild ensued and when I came back to this song, the melancholic sentiment resonated with me and it felt as if finishing this song would in some ways, close off the past.
Barely Losing allowed me to reflect on not only where I had been, but more importantly, where I was now. It allowed me to talk to that past pain and heal some deep wounds. It allowed me to reflect on my growth and it allowed me to like who I was and know that - importantly - I am enough.
Barely Losing speaks to those fleeting moments in relationships, like laughing in a hallway together at a house party, then rips that from you and hits you with the anguish of those people not being around anymore. The goodbye is hardest when you don’t get a chance to say it and to tell that one person …. “You are better than you were before.”
Ultimately, I found acceptance with the past. I accept the things I cannot change, and I work every day to change the things I can – and that means working on changing me.
I might have been Barely Losing at one point … but I am no longer. I might even write a “happy song” one day!
lyrics
Karen won't you take me out
I'm quite as a mouse been sitting here
Help me want to scream and shout
Been days since I made eye contact and I fear,
I'm losing it and I'm Barely Losing
Karen I'm staring down
My head hangs low when you're not around
If I could only call
I'd tell you that I'm better than I was before,
I'm losing it and I'm Barely Losing
There's you in your black leather jacket
And me in hallway laughing
Who knew that we'd be crashing
Who knew that this was
Goodbye Girl
Goodbye World
Goodbye My Girl
Goodbye
Karen I'm driving now
Through a movie seen in a blacked-out town
There's no one around
Just shitful silence and the bars close down
If I could only call
I'd tell you that I'm better than I was before and
If I could only call
I'd tell you that I'm better than I was before and
If I could only call
I'd tell you that I'm better than I was before and
If I could only call
...I'd tell you that I'm better
There's you in your black leather jacket
And me in hallway laughing
Who knew that we'd be crashing
Who knew that this was
Goodbye
released October 7, 2023
Engineering and Production: NBO Production, Melbourne Australia
Mixing: Mitch Bullen NBO Production
Mastering: Adam Dempsey
Artwork: 'Invisible' by Grant Fuhst @artbyfuhst
Typography: Patrick Bako
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